skybleeds's Blog

My daughter, Love being sober!            SSi turned me down, saying that i'am fit for working out in the world. Maybe there are right. Start looking for work, i will make it. I'M a strong ass women and can take anything you throw at me! I will not be lazy! Have my daughter back in my life again! Still feel crazy in my head. Went to the doctors and i am very anemia,  the aliEN's from the SKY are sucking my blood up inside me very slowly, i can feel them.     I will not drink today-Sky.- HApppy Mother's day to all the sweet mom's in the world.-Hugs. Went on a beach walk with my daughter today. Love her so much.

   Went back to rehab again out of control- drinking one gallon of the drink !!!no happness- i did my first step , in group and relize how sick i am. When i read my treatment plan, and it said stage of my progression the highest level 3. John the dude who is the group leader told me that i will be lucky to live five more years, if i start drinking again.1- reason i get in cars with men after the bar is closed and i''m in a Black out-i sometime's don't ask the man to where a rubber.  At risk for paws. It really opened my eyes up about how sick i am. My house is a sick ass mess- i feel   NEED TO STOP DRINKING.  I HAD A MELTDOWN.  Chronic stage 3==== deterioration of biopsycho- social health. How scary! I really don't belive how seriously ill i am.     

March 6, 2011- I love my life right now. MY daughter is still GO GO dancing her ass off in LA- she rocks and she is doing really good too. We are living together in are app- 4 blooks from the beach and loving life! I'm volunteering for hospice-    The  alien    bugs inside of me are still sucking my insides up slowly.  I have to feed them every hour or so or my insides hurt but my life is still great! I have been sober 2 years from the drink!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so so so happy!

JUNE 2I, O9 I sit in my room at my parents house sober for the frist time in years realizing how i have fucked my life u. I sit here feeling sorry for my self- hating what i have done to my life. Its been almost a year that i have been in this room, i sit here on my bed and  think to myself why i let my self get to wear i am. my little bedroom at my parents' at 42 with nothing going on in my life, I used to own 3 house's.  I have been so fucking dep that all i can do is sit on this little bed at my parents house with out the drink. I called my daughter up and asked her if i can drive my suv off a cilff. My highlight of the day is going to VONS and getting evil food coming back to my parents house running up the stairs like a sick ass fool going back in my  little dark room taking all my evil food out and lay it out on my nasty bed, sitting my nasty ass on my bed eating and thow u- over and over again-29 time's thinking to my self i do have some control.  Was on the freeway and looked on both side's of me and the lanes were empty, the pack was a head of me.   Why do i have HIV/AID'S  OH mighty one i so need you're help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been living with her for almost 2 years now we don't share the same food we both have are own shelves in the ice box. I went into her room the other day and she is hiding forks from me. We both know you can't get HIV/AIDS from eating or touching some one's food. When she has a baby some day will she be scared for me to take care of it?               STEPHANIE NOLEN BOOK 28 stories of AIDS in africa. She wrote the problem with HIV is that its transmission,  in blood and sexual fluids and breast milk, preys on our most intimate moments. It targets the subjects we least like to discuss-the drugs we inject, the sex we have, especially the sex with people we aren't supposed to have sex with and the interactions least open to honest discussion or to change. HIV grows best in imbalances of power, it has erupted and spread out from the most marginalized groups in human societies, from sex workers and drug users and gay men and migrants. And so we have been correspondingly slow to respond. BY STEPHANIE NOLEN.

    maggots on them or if my clothes are not clean or if i'm not taking showers, i just want to lay in bed. I can't believe that i have HIV/AIDS! I try to get up in the morning, to get something to drink but my body tells me to go barf so i go to the toliet and throw u nothing coming out of me but the dry barf. I really feel my life is comming to a end  i have no happness, no friends, no job no money my daughter hates me because of the drink, living with AIDS! Why should i live? My life is so sad, i can't belive i am living this feeling of the end. What Why When? My tears come down my face into my mouth all i can think about is the AIDS inside of me in millons and billions going into my mouth making me more nasty!    I need to some how make my self stop drinking.....................................................................................oh mighty god

Of my goals this month to get to, but my body has been feeling dep that its hard to get going. I know this shell  pass and i need to keep going never give u!  A body at rest is at rest! A body that go's will keep going! Been looking for work still its very hard to find work when I've been in speacil ed classes all my life!  Shit i can't get a job! My daughter is still the bread winner GO GO dancing has ass of in LA. I'm not going to give u! I was going to go Volunteer Abroad, going to South Africa and help baby's with AIDS out but that cost money to go! So i still stay in the app that my daughter and I share untill i can get back on my feet again. I feel like a middle age loser! I'm not drinking or taking any pills, but who wants there mother living with them at 24/  The  app is 4 blocks from the beach, and i still am dep- I sit in this app thinking what am i going to do with my life? Some days my body hurts so bad! I hope that this feeling will go away. I need to do something with my life. Hiding is not getting me anywhere in life. That is  my goals. And to make myself keep looking for work! I hope the NEW MOON     will make all my wishes come true.  Make my self walk 3 times a week. I will not drink today. 

 I'm going to become a AIDS activists, I want to talk to are young people about this virus alot of people think u just take a pill and everything is just fine. U can go on youre merry way, but everything is not fine. Having this virus has made me feel like a alien, It is something nobody wants to talk about. the rest of society not directly affected by the virus still reacts with fear , prejudice, and pity , making those affected by the disease also feel like outcasts, isolated and lonely. That is how i feel. That is in the guide  to living with HIV infection. developed at the johns Hopkins AIDS clinic.sixth edition john g. bartlett, MD., And Ann K. Finkbeiner. I have to do it. i will not drink today

Have to be out of this house in two weeks! So my daughter has been going u to LA to Go Go dance her ass off for us she rocks! I really can't belive that she is mine! She is so bea inside and out. Still trying to get on SS have a lawyer to fight for my rights!  I will never give u! I'm a winner and i still have alot going for me. My ex boyfiend is moving away! Now my life is going to really change for the better having one of the devil's son's in my life never works out, he always bring's me down with him!  life is way  to short to put u with that bull shit!  I'm a strong ass women and can take any thing u throw at me !!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!    I will make it! My daughter and i are looking at 2 bed app to rent together just for now intill i can get back on my feet again. I can't wait to start my new life. I will not drink or do any drugs today. Went and jumped in the ocean yesterday and it felt so,so,so good!

 Look at what not going to college did to my ass! But i am not good at school, i don't get it! Thank god my baby's daddy is a member at the mensa club!  Sitting around in this repo house is not going to get me anywhere! !    I only have 2 cleaning jobs this week! That is not going to pay my bills! .Went to my doctor's and my t-cell count is at 480 it used to be at 220, i asked my doctor if she will give me some pain pills, she looked at me and laughed! I need a new doctor! My bones hurt!  She dose not want me to get in to them!  Everyone eles takes them! That's fucked u!  I need to man the fuck u and get the fuck over my sad ass and just do it! I will be home less real fucken soon!  What is my problem? why is it so hard to go? I want to have my own money i will not be weak or get fat! I'm a winner! I want to be happy!       i have to do it!What am i scared of?  I will not drink today.

To clean people house's i have to grow the fuck U! I used to be a millionaire but now i am not Its all long gone Just like all the men that i have had. Why have i done this to myself? Look what drinking and taking pills for so many years did to my life, when i was a young women i would go to AA meeting because i had to go, i would walk in there in the AA room with a room full of middle age loser's thinking to myself that will never ever happen to me I would be sitting on one of the AA chairs with a short min dress on living in the 80's looking and thinking i'm hot shit, i was in my 20's never thinking i would end u home less having my daughter to buy food for me GO GO dancing for us,  having the Aids virus at age 41 i thought i was the strong one that i  would never let my self get to that low I'm stronger than that drink!  What a weak ass group of people! Oh please make this a nightmare and i can go backwards! Please wake my ass u from this evil nightmare! Oh please! This really is not my real life! It can't be! Oh please make it not true what i did to my life!!! Oh god help me!!!!!!!

 My baby Zeppelin my Cat of seven years got out a door last night and i found him this morning---    in the grass right next to my sis repo house he was headless and his guts were all over the grass. I got  his favor blaket and pick his little body up and i huged him and looked at his white paws and wrap his body in it i coundn't looked for his head thats to much! I can only take so much in life! my  daughter and i burr him in his fav box and put his toy in the box and some cat nIp and we had some sage to burn, and put him in the earth. I know he is at a better place! I told him i will be there real soon! That I'm so so so  sorry sweet baby that mommy was not there to help u!   And i hope it was a quick death and zeppelin didn't feel much pain. Bless his sweet soul!   He was my 6 th cat to be eaten By something evil!==   Rest in peace- zeppelin, batman, kmar, celo,  Alex, axl rose ,     and my dog sam of 15 years that died of old age, see you real soon my sweet one's!!!!!!!!   

6 weeks and i really think that the Seroquel 400 hundred plus the prozac and the atripla oh and my wellburitin is really working this time! I can still get off and the meds don't make me not want to have sex. My boyfriend wants me to go to his house and take some extacy and have 8 hours of sex together and i am not feeling it. I really think i am over him? I never think about him when we are not together and i want a man to treat me alot better than he dose!~ Sex is not everything! I want a friend too, i want a man that will make me have butterflys. I know now that i'm 41 that not body is perfect and being a couple is hard work, and i am sick and teird of his sh;;t! I want to be happy again and when i'm around him i get bad vibes and that is my self telling me that we are not met to be together.   I will not drink

   I"ve not talked or texted my ex boyfriend for almost a month. He calls me on other people's cell phone so I will pick up. He keeps telling me that he has some pills for me. I don't talk to him he needs to leave me alone! I have all ready have had a stalker for 2 years in my complex 3 years ago. He fucked with my mind. He lived down stairs from my daughter and I with his father,and just got out of prison. He was 26  and at the time I didn't know that he was evil I said hi to him one day when I was passing him in the complex's parking lot he stops me and ask do you have a really pretty daughter that live's with you? I stop and look his way and had my sun glasses on and my fur on my back is standing up but I thought maybe it was the wind coming my way I told him yes I did. He ask if he could come up stairs and say hi to my daughter who was 20 at the time He did live in the down stairs unit. I let him in are condo that night and looked at my daughter who was watching so you think that you can dance I see her rolling her eyes at me and I look at him and he was not clean he has this weird look to him like he was on drugs He was big and tall and had clown tats on his arm and I wanted him out of my condo. He stayed for a while and told us that he like going to prison 
 that he just got out and was there for 5 years. He could senes are fear and was getting off on it. He told us that his bedroom is right under my daughter room and he can here her when she is in the bathroom that he can hear the hot water heater from the shower go on. That is when he started stalking us for two years having 911 calls from my condo 21 times from him keying are cars like it was a frist graders art project. Comming up my stairs with a gun at 3 in the morning throwing raw eggs at my condo at night..I would see him and tell him can u please stop fucking with my daugther and me he would look at me with a evil smile knowing that i'm a outsider and he could do what he pleased!   My condo was high up and i had to sell because of him so he would throw raw eggs all over the outside of my condo so nobody would buy it.  I would have it cleaned and then once again he would throw raw eggs all over my whole condo! and the list keeps going on and on a swat team breaking my front door down that i had to pay to get fixed. He called 911 telling them that my daughter and I had are heads blown off and we were in are condo. He was at a pay phone in the ghetto and when the   cops looked in his truck   he had a loaed gun! His bail was set at one million dollars! He went to prison for 5 months and i had to sell my condo and my daughter had to move in with her father. I did not sell my condo yet he now was very pissed off at me and there was really nothing i could do. We had res order to but that just made him more pissed off at us. I lost  25 pounds and didn't feel safe in my own bedroom, or my condo. MY Daughter's home boy's wanted to get rid of him but i said no! I don't want to go to prison  The worst thing about when my daughter and I were stalked was it was only in the gated complex that I payed 300 in cash every month to keep all the bad people out!  Everyone in the complex was scared of him. I had maries that lived in the complex and i would say something to one of them and they would tell me that when they are away to fight in this fucked up war that their women are buy  them self so they don't want to get involed  every one knew what was going in the  gated complex  but everyone was to scared to do anything about it. I would talk to his father about what his son was doing to us and he just looked at me, he to was scared of his own son.  He had all the control and he mind fucked us real hard! and the cops would come out over and over again and would take him away and then in a couple days he would be back! He didn't kill us so they really can't do any thing and I really was scared he was going to kill me, I had a melt down noboby would help us!  Then i was watching op one day and she had this man that wrote the gift of fear and i went to the book store and got it and after i got done with it i understood what was really happin . It really saved my life. I really felt all by myself and i had to be very strong I was not drinking in that time in my life. I would stay at my parents house because i was to scared to live there and cops told me to move out and sell it so I had to pay a mog on my condo and had to live with me parents.Then he would leave and i would think it is safe to move back in my condo and bring all my stuff back to it and three weeks would go by and i would thank god then once again he would play the game pening my front door! So once again i had to move back with my parents and i could feel him watching me from a far going up and down my fucken stairs over and over and   over again mind fucking me so fucking hard!  he knew that this would hurt my daughter!  And the cop's would tell me not to live in my own condo! That went on four 2 long years!  He made me start drinking again he parked his big black truck right next to my parking space and he would sit in his big truck just sitting in it smoking ciggs in the gated complex .He would say that he is going cut me up in peices and i told that to the cops and he would say that he never said that to me. He would stalk my daughter when she was trying to get in her truck in and say fucked u stuff to her and she was so scared to go to and from her truck that I had to walk her to her truck with pepper spay and a knife shaking and knowing that he is watching us It was the worst feeling i have ever felt in my life he was so evil and he was loving every monent of it..  My daughter was living now in hiding and I had to be a grown u and try to sell my condo and not be scared to be in it. There was no place to go in my condo and that fear of him comming to my front door killing me was to much. The cops would not let me get a fire arm at time in my life because i was going carzy and I hope I never have to feel that feeling again.i would take a shower so fast going out of my mind praying  that he would not show u in my bathroom sometimes i would still have soap and shampoo left on mysefl because the fear i was feeling was worst than being killed. One day i was making my bed and felt a hard thing under the matt and i pull a sign out saying brinks home security. I would call the cops and they would do nothing. So i would to be scared to live in my condo again and move back with my parents over and over again because he was controling me! I would lower my price on my condo and people would come and look at it and he would be standing there right by his dads front door smoking and looking very evil with long nasty hair hangging from his face smelling like ass and the people  would go up my stairs and see dryed egg all over my front door! I found out from the cops that he  was schzo and he would come up my stairs and put his un open meds on my front matt..Noboby would move in it all my money was in it!    this kelt going on and on! I never thought it would end! I had no money so I coundn't buy a cam. He took everything that was import  to me alway  my daughter could not come by my family was scared of him my daughter took my aminal away he took all my freedom alway from me. Couldn't  feel safe to sleep in my own fucking bed for 2 years and this is the USA and they couldn't do anything for us!